


everything i wanted

by silverplace



Series: you with me. [1]
Category: Swapfell - Fandom, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Billie Eilish Song, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Imaginary Friends, M/M, Nightmares, Reader Is Not Chara (Undertale), Reader Is Not Frisk (Undertale), Reader's gender is not specified, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swapfell Papyrus (Undertale), Worried Papyrus (Undertale), as in: red version, no beta we die like men, will clarify that this is fellswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 13:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22136503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverplace/pseuds/silverplace
Summary: as long as i'm here, no-one can hurt you.| swapfell papyrus / reader |
Relationships: Papyrus (Undertale)/Reader, rus/reader
Series: you with me. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648231
Comments: 1
Kudos: 106





	1. i had a dream

**Author's Note:**

> big suicide trigger warning, right now. going through some stuff and writing this is the only way i can get it all out. this first chapter hits too close to home im telling u lol

It was so cold.

You barely felt it, but the wind was cold and biting, with ice-like fingers that tousled your hair and wrapped itself around your throat. There was nothing to do but ignore it and keep walking. How long had you been walking, now? With the thick fog and the grey clouds that spanned across the whole sky like a blanket, the world seemed a little duller and you felt your sense of time slip away from you. The occasional car would drive past, but it'd soon disappear into the mist, and they were few and far inbetween. It was Sunday, of course - don't people spend Sundays at home, having quiet, cozy days with their loved ones? Drinking hot chocolate and watching movies? That was the impression you got, anyway. This Sunday held no warmth for you.

An involuntary shiver ran down your spine, goosebumps creeping up your skin as the cruel wind finally got its hands up the sleeves of your thin hoodie. You ignored it once more, turning to direct your attention to the water far below you. You stopped your slow walking after taking a step closer to the balustrade and resting your arms on it. The crashing of the waves down below drowned out the sound of your heart pounding in your ears, and for a second the noise was too much. But, you thought, realising a car hadn't gone by in a while, it was also strangely quiet. A tranquil moment.

Your body objected, palms clammy with sweat even as they gripped the cold railings of the bridge, and your heart sent fear thundering through your veins. _Bang, bang, bang_ , it went.

 _Be quiet_ , you told it. _It will all be over soon. It will all be okay soon. We can sleep. We can rest. There is nothing more to feel, nothing more to do. We do not have to sit alone in fear and in silence at this dead end anymore. We can sleep._

You didn't cry. You didn't speak. What was there to say? Now that the end was here, all that was left to do was jump.

"you don't have to do it, y'know," said a voice next to you.

 _Yes I do,_ you thought back, not even blinking.

There may have been the sound of a cigarette being lit, but it was all in your head. Just as the next words were. "so you're just gonna give up?"

 _Yeah_.

"and that's it? don't wanna, y'know, give it one more try?"

_Give what one more try? I've been trying. There's no more life left for me to live. There's nowhere else for me to go._

"but what if there is? what if you haven't found it yet?"

You would have given a bitter laugh, if this conversation were real. You would have given a bitter laugh, if the urge to laugh hadn't been smothered by numbness. _Found what yet? Something better? I don't deserve whatever you think is out there for me._

"you deserve everything." His gaze was on you, but you saw out of the corner of your eye that there was nothing truly there.

_You're wrong about me. I am every bit as worthless as I think I am. I don't deserve you, even though I made you up. Even though you're not real._

A sigh echoed around your head. "how many times do i have to tell ya, just because you think i'm not real, doesn't mean i'm not still here for ya."

 _This is pathetic_ , you thought, voice bitter and detached even in your mind. _Here I am, talking to my imaginary friend in my head. Letting him try and talk me out of suicide. I must be crazy._

There was the sound of a chuckle, and you thought you saw a wisp of smoke. "is it working?"

You didn't answer him, instead swinging a leg over the balustrade.

You heard him suck in a breath. "gonna take that as a no. sweetheart, get down."

Almost there. You maneuvered yourself carefully, straddling the barrier between life and death and gripping its cold metal railings with trembling fingers, grip tight and knuckles whitened. You swung the other leg over.

A hand ghosted over your back, but it wasn't there. Not really. "sweetheart." His voice broke a little. "please."

_Don't say it._

"don't do th-"

_I said don't. I don't know why you're still here. I don't know why I'm still here. I can't keep doing this. Why are you still talking to me?_

"because i care abou'cha. i'm not..." he grumbled a little, and you caught a glimpse of a still-burning cigarette being tossed to the ground. A second look showed that there was nothing there. "i'm not going anywhere. yer not alone. so just... just get down? come back? we can go home and make ramen and pretend this never happened, just please..."

 _You're not real. It would just be me, cold and alone and eating cheap noodles by myself and talking to my imaginary skeleton friend because I'm fucking lonely but too messed up to ever get close to a real person. I made you up because it was too painful to look at that reality, but that doesn't change the fact that it exists._ Where was this honesty coming from?

An invisible hand tightened on your waist. "now how do you know i'm a skeleton?" His voice had an amused lilt to it, but you could tell he was trying too hard to keep it together. For your sake. You felt a little warm at the thought, but the wind blew the feeling away as soon as you remembered that he wasn't really there, that he wasn't really real.

_I don't know. You're stalling._

You edged forwards, then slipped off from where you were sat on the railing to stand on the ledge, inbetween the railing and the water. Your hands still clung to the balustrade, and your heart had ramped it up a notch. The hand that'd been on your waist - the one that wasn't really there - disappeared. Another hand was immediately on your shoulder, its phantom grip tight. You knew it wouldn't do a thing to hold you back if you fell, and you heard a panicked curse behind you.

"shit. doll, honey, don't do this. i've seen you happy. i've seen your smile. you can do it again. i believe in you." The arm that wasn't on your shoulder wrapped around your middle, and as he leant over the balustrade to try in vain to keep you in place, you caught a whiff of smoke and maple syrup. It was gone with the wind in an instant.

_You know what's strange? The closer I get to killing myself, the more of you I can sense. It feels almost like you're really here._

He sounded choked up when he replied. "i am really here. i am."

Looking down at where the phantom hand gripped your shoulder, you're almost not surprised to catch the slightest glimpse of white phalanges.

"don't leave me." It was barely a whisper on the breeze.

 _You're not real._ The words came out more uncertain than you'd have liked them to. Stiffening, you try not to jump in surprise at the sensation of someone burying their head in your other shoulder - although it was not quite real, it felt startlingly warm. In your mind's eye, there was the glint of a golden tooth. 

Was it... was it raining? It felt like perhaps a raindrop had landed on your shoulder. What - _oh._

_Dont cry._

"don't jump."

_I have to._

"no, you don't." His voice was muffled, perhaps by the fabric of your hoodie or perhaps by the tears.

You wished he wouldn't cry for you. You weren't worth that.

You changed tack gently, keeping the conversation going even as the black water waited for you. _What's your name? Do you have one?_

"huh?" He'd lifted his head from your shoulder. You almost felt his breath on your ear, and your heart calmed a little as it felt his closeness. Again, you smelt the smoke on his breath, but it wasn't an unwelcome smell. For some reason, it reminded you of home, of warmer and happier times that felt so far away. 

_If you're real, you must have a name, right? I never told you mine, and I never asked for yours. You always just called me 'sweetheart'._

"so you admit that i'm real, now?" The humour was back in his voice. Humming in the back of his throat, he ran his fingers through your hair. Even with the wind tangling it, it felt soft.

You flushed at the barely-there sensation, trying not to stutter. _No! I- I know you're not real, I just - seeing as you think you're real, I -_

He chuckled. "no need to explain, i know what ya meant." Pausing, he took his time stroking your hair again. Again, you blushed.

How can something that isn't real make you feel like this?

_So... what is your name, then? I feel like I should know, since I won't be around much longer. I'd feel bad if I never learnt your name. I know you're not real, but you've kept me company for this long..._

"you already know my name."

You blinked in confusion. _No, I don't._

He sighed. "tell ya what. i'll give ya my name, if you climb back over this railing and come home."

_I can't do that._

The hand that was running through your hair went back to holding you tightly. His head was suddenly buried back in your shoulder, and you felt like he may have been shaking. His grip felt almost real as he took shuddery breaths that sent a pang of guilt to your Soul. " _why?_ "

_I'm sorry._

"don't be." He was crying again, you could tell. His response had slipped out through sharp, gritted teeth and, from what you could feel from the way he was wrapped around you, he was shaking from the force of the sobs he was trying to keep quiet.

You sat in silence with the guilt and pain for a moment longer, not knowing what to say or do to comfort somebody that didn't exist. He was crying for your sake, you knew, but what was there to cry about? You weren't worth this.

After a few more moments, you spoke up again. This time, you told him your name.

"i know," he sobbed, voice pained, and it sent another stab of guilt to your Soul.

You didn't ask him how he knew your name. You didn't ask him why he cared, or why he smelt like maple syrup, or why you knew he had a golden tooth. You didn't tell him you knew what his favourite flavour of doughnut was, and that you'd cherished every second of his company even though it had all just been a distraction from the pain and loneliness of your mundane life, a distraction from the way your past hung over you like a poltergeist. You didn't tell him how he made watching movies so much better, with his snarky commentary and his tendency to throw an invisible arm around your shoulders. You didn't tell him how you always put the popcorn bowl between the two of you, even though he couldn't eat it. 

He'd never tell you that he noticed it every time, and was grateful for the gesture.

You'd never tell him that without him, you'd have killed yourself so much sooner. You'd never tell him how much you cherished his presence in the back of your mind, how much you were glad you let him exist to make fun of you and cheer you up and point you in the direction of the best doughnuts in the shop whenever you got sugar cravings.

You'd never tell him. And, with this last push, you'd make sure that you never would. He's not real, anyway.

 _Goodbye_.

He had enough time to choke out an incoherent response before you let go of the railing, his arms holding you even as you slipped right through them. For the smallest second, everything was still as you tipped forwards, then - 

The wind ripped through your hair. 

Your heart stalled in your chest.

The waves crashed and roared with glee as they rose up to claim you - 

You were falling.

And then, _and then, **and then -**_

_You were free._


	2. i got everything i wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had a dream i got everything i wanted

Someone was shouting your name. _Someone was calling for you_.

Briefly, you felt the cold and unforgiving embrace of water, the way it surged over you and dragged your head under even as you felt your bones shatter on impact - you _thrashed_ -

The voice called your name again, more panicked this time, but the waves muffled it, and you sobbed, a raw sound that the water greedily swallowed. All you could see was darkness, the lake murky and cold and _oh god, it hurt, it hurt so much -_

Suddenly, there were hands on your shoulders, shaking you, dragging you to the surface, there was a glimpse of light -

Your eyes snapped open with a cry, and you were met with light - and _oh god, fresh air_ \- you gasped as if you were still drowning, fists clutching the sheets - _wait, what?_ Your thoughts calmed down as your hammering heart started to slow, and you looked up to meet two worried eyelights that stared down at you.

"Rus?" You croaked.

He said your name softly. One of his hands caressed your cheek, thumb brushing away a tear that you didn't even realise was there. Oh god, he felt so real. As the dream came back to you in full force, you swallowed thickly around another sob and all but threw yourself into Rus' arms. "Thank fucking god," you sobbed.

His arms came around you immediately, phalanges tangling in your hair and one arm around your back, pulling you closer. "it was jus' a dream, you're okay, i'm here." His head went to your neck, but unlike in your dream, Rus gently nuzzled and pressed kisses to the skin he could reach, and this time the warmth was real, you could feel his magic thrumming like a heartbeat and you breathed him in as if you were still drowning. "i'm here," he repeated, voice soft and quiet, and he pressed a line of kisses up your neck.

You only clung to him tighter, face pressed to his collarbone and letting his familiar warmth wash over you, washing the dream away. It took a while for you to fully calm down, but when you had stopped shaking, Rus pulled back a little to look at you, still watching with concern as you tried your best to dry your eyes. He didn't let you move so much as an inch away from him, and for that you were grateful.

"wanna talk about it?"

You shook your head. _I'm so sorry_ , you thought, even though this Rus couldn't hear you. _I jumped when you begged me not to. I left you._

"shh, you're okay." He moved his hand from your hair to cup your face, wiping more tears away.

When had you started crying again?

"I'm sorry," you whispered brokenly. "I-I'm so- s- _so sorr_ -"

He shushed you gently again, expression pained but still trying to reassure you. You'd done the same for him whenever he had nightmares, after all. "you don't have anythin' to apologise for. you're okay. you're safe. i've got you." He pressed a kiss to your forehead. "no-one's gonna hurt you." Another kiss, this time the gentlest kiss to the corner of your eye, moving oh-so-carefully so as not catch you on his teeth. You held perfectly still, trusting him utterly. "i'm here with you." A kiss to your cheek. "i love you." This time, he moved to your mouth, glancing at you for your unspoken permission before pressing the most loving and gentle of kisses to your lips. Your eyes fluttered shut as you kissed back, letting the last pieces of the dream slip away to be replaced with warmth and the sheer relief of waking up to find that you are loved, you are loved, you are loved.

He loved you.

When the kiss ended, you gave your reply, a breathless "I love you" that made Rus' eyelights glow bright and fuzzy and his cheekbones light up softly with colour.

In that moment, you knew. You were gonna be okay.

As you settled back in for a lazy morning in Rus' arms, your gaze caught on the digital clock by the side of the bed. It was a Sunday, of course. And this was exactly the kind of warm, cozy, loving Sunday you'd longed for. It was here, he was here, and you were worth it. You deserved it, you deserved all of this. Rus' hand went back to playing with your hair, and you smiled softly at the sensation, and at your revelation.

That this was worth staying alive for. That _you_ were worth staying alive for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but when i wake up i see
> 
> you with me.


End file.
